Tag Archive | acceptance

Doing Things – Her Way or My Way

So, a MIL who is looking to “do it right” or “do it well” might make efforts to be mindful of how her DIL “does things” when it comes to situations like interacting with grandchildren, cooking in the DIL’s kitchen, celebrating holidays together, taking joint vacations. Mothers-in-law who don’t want to “step on toes” would certainly observe and ask about the traditions, practices and preferences of their daughters-in-law.

This is exactly what was happening with Valerie and her MIL.

Val and I had gotten the three children successfully off to bed after a noisy, busy, enjoyable November day. We were lounging on the sofa with cups of tea and soothing music playing in the background and hoped to explore a bit of the MIL/DIL experience before we both nodded off.

When I asked Valerie whether or not her relationship with her MIL changed much when she became a fiancée instead of just a girlfriend, she raised an eyebrow and related a conversation with her future in-laws just before her beloved, who was away on business at that time, popped the question. They were curious because their son had made a number of very leading statements. Valerie’s future MIL asked a number of “bold” questions, like “Do you want children?”

“Whoa!” thought Valerie. “This is really forward! I wasn’t, obviously, offended, but I thought ‘My goodness! She is just not holding back!’”

Not easily angered or offended. I like that about Val. And it’s HUGE in a MIL/DIL relationship.

“Looking back on it, I can totally understand why she was throwing out these blunt questions. Her son was about to, like, ‘jump off a cliff’ and ask me. So, she was trying to cram it all in.”

“Is she pretty blunt, in general?” I wondered aloud.

“No, I’d say she’s diplomatic. I mean she’s respectful. Not blunt as in aggressive or anything like that. No.”

Respectful.

When it comes to her MIL operating in their home and with their children, her MIL will regularly ask “How do you want me to do this?”

Kudos to this MIL!

“I think that because I’m very blunt” says Valerie, “ I’m just sort of matter-of-fact. I’ll say ‘I don’t know. I don’t have an opinion.’ Or ‘We do this, but I don’t care what you do.’ Not everybody likes that or is used to that, so I don’t know if that’s weird for her. I do get a lot of ‘I don’t know how you do this’ which is understandable. She’s in our home. She doesn’t want to step on toes. So, I go out of my way to say ‘You are not going to get this wrong in any way, shape or form. I’m grateful …. Sue, I promise!’ Even if it’s something silly in the kitchen, like ‘I don’t know if I’m using this wrong’ or ‘I just burnt your spoon’ or ‘I don’t know what kind of mustard you use.’

“You really can’t mess this up. I promise!” Val tells her MIL. “You’re helping me. You’re being ‘Grandma’.”

“That’s generous!” I blurted out. “Shouldn’t it be that way? Shouldn’t it be that way that when we are together, we don’t need to be so picky about things? Why do we cop the attitude ‘It’s my house so it needs to be done my way?’”

Acceptance. Definition: receiving as suitable or adequate; welcome; favorable reception; receiving what’s offered

In other words, recognizing that another person is not going to do, think, see, approach everything in exactly the same way that you do … and being “okay” with that. Acknowledging with word, attitude or action that another has an equally valid way of “doing things” and allowing her to do it in a way that’s comfortable for her.

Of course, we’re not talking about clearly dangerous or life-threatening methods or behavior. That’s a different situation. However, most of our relationships with our MILs and DILs happen in everyday, ordinary moments of eating, cooking, shopping, driving, don’t they? And that’s where acceptance can be so significant and so appreciated.

When was the last time you extended acceptance to your MIL/DIL? Hopefully, you don’t have to think too long and hard about the answer. 😉

BTW, the opposite of acceptance is what?

Antonym: rejection

One Christmas Many Years Ago

So, it’s that time of the year. A time when we look back on 2015 and then look forward to a new year. A time to review the past and set goals for the future. Perhaps it is a good time to share two DIL’s stories and a fond memory.

******

She had expected to be accepted.

Isn’t that a simple, basic, realistic expectation? That the woman your son decides to marry would be welcomed into the family as an important, significant, valuable person who belongs and is on equal footing with everyone else? This doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone has to be best friends. But, is it really too much to ask that a MIL make the effort to send the message that the DIL is welcome at any and all family gatherings and events? That her ideas, opinions and thoughts will be treated with the same consideration that the MIL would want others to show her? That she is to be treated with common courtesy, respect and, yes, love? Not necessarily affection, but with the attitude that conveys “I am for you. We are now on the same team.”

After all, the two have become one.

But, she wasn’t accepted. Why? Because she was Protestant. And his family was Catholic.

“This was the 1950s when religion was everything.” His mother had already “picked out” the young lady he was to marry.

What does it feel like when you choose the one person with whom you want to partner for life, the one to whom you have given your heart, the man with whom you want to build a family and his family shuts the door in your face saying “You’re not welcome here. You’re not like us. You’re not what we’d hoped for for our son. You don’t fit in.”

What do you do?

I can’t answer that because my experience was very different. I’d met my honey in August and dated him into October, when he asked me to marry him. We flew to Chicago at Christmastime so that I could meet his parents. He had called ahead to let them know that he was bringing his fiancee and they had said that they weren’t surprised.

If you know Chicago, you know that there winters are abominably cold and snowy. So, when we got out of the airport limo and walked through the garage into the house, the warmth of the reception drove away any chill I might have been feeling. My future MIL smiled broadly, embraced me and said wholeheartedly “Welcome to the family!”

Thirty-five years later I can still see the scene in my mind’s eye. And I knew acceptance.

She didn’t know much about me then, but she had determined in her heart and mind that she was going to love me and do everything in her power to encourage our marriage to succeed. What a kind and wise woman my MIL was! She left us 17 years ago, but her influence lives on.

**********

So, if you’re looking for a New Year’s resolution, consider this: I’m going to accept my MIL/DIL for who she is – a most important woman in my son’s/husband’s life! I will celebrate in my heart and mind the qualities in her that are admirable and I will remember that some characteristics that aren’t so lovely, … well, I have plenty of those, too!

Acceptance. It’s one of the things we are all looking for in this life. You can afford to offer it to your MIL/DIL.

Thank-you, MT, for accepting me – warts and all. There’s so much I wish I could talk with you about now that I’m a MIL, too!

I hope we meet again.

Affirmations for Mothers-in-Law & Daughters-in-Law – Round 4

“Anonymous” shared her approach – in detail and with conviction:

I take advantage of opportunities to serve my Daughter-in-Law in any way I can, even when I am not feeling it. (Isn’t this when affirmations can be especially important?) I will even change my plans if she needs me.

(Serve? How often to we hear that word or consider that concept in regards to our MIL/DIL?)

I take notice of her feelings and make an effort to “read” her, especially when we talk about controversial subjects. (You and your Daughter-in-law can share views on controversial topics? Bravo!)

I am not her mother, but I am someone who loves her. Therefore, I will treat her as I treat other loved ones.

I will speak the truth in love.

I will encourage my Daughter-in-Law.

Authenticity is my goal and I will practice this with consideration and respect.

********

Obviously, this Mother-in-Law has thought things through and is demonstrating love in words and deeds. She is working at living out the motto of this blog – “MILs & DILs – Family, Friends and Allies”.

Thank-you! Your efforts influence us all for the better.

Affirmations for Mothers-in-Law & Daughters-in-Law – Round Three

This from a woman who has three beautiful grandchildren and carefully considers:

I will make a conscious effort to consistently respect my DIL.

I appreciate and enjoy the fact that she is loved and adored by my son!

I will regularly affirm her by pointing out things I admire about her.

I remember to say to her things like “You are such a great Mom!”.

******

How nice it feels when someone sincerely says “Well done!”

Wouldn’t it make significant difference to each of us if we practiced these simple things and were on the receiving end of them, too?

Simple.
Worth it.
Be intentional.

Affirmations – Round 1

A few thoughts from one reader as she rolls through a Saturday morning with three young children to feed, clothe and clean house with.

I will allow my MIL room to be herself as long as things are respectful as well as healthy for our children.

I won’t judge my MIL because I’m not walking in her shoes.

I trust that my MIL has our best interests at heart.                     

I will regularly pray for my MIL, her marriage, her health and our time together.

I will practice patience with my MIL and appreciate that she is patient with me when I parent differently than she would.

*****

These affirmations – repeated regularly – can lead one’s heart, mind and relationship down healthy and enjoyable paths!

*******************************************

Who’s next?

Affirmations for MILs and DILs

One of the “best practices” adopted by agents and speakers in the company with whom I work is to use affirmations to help focus on our goals, train ourselves in disciplined thought, encourage ourselves in the direction we’d like to move and generally plant and rehearse constructive ideas in our minds. These affirmations are to be recited – with conviction – daily or more often. They are to be carefully worded declarations of what we are choosing to dwell upon, work toward, change and accomplish. They are attitudes we’ve decided to adopt and actions we’ve purposed to take to make this year one in which we achieve great things, enjoy life more fully and become more of the person we’d like to be.

So, as I read through the list of affirmations that my accountability partner had sent me for the year, I was impressed by her stated desire to excel, not only in her employment, but also in her marriage, ministry and relationships with sons, DILs and grandchildren. Wow!

A few weeks later, as we reviewed our goals again during a long-distance telephone call, I shared with her my renewed desire to write a book on the MIL/DIL relationship. And then, a thought struck me: What an interesting idea! To write and recite daily affirmations regarding our MIL/DIL relationships. This could be transformational!

So, would you throw in your two cents? Especially those of you – my silent audience?! Share some affirmations to which you have committed. OR some that you believe will improve, strengthen, deepen your ties to your MIL/DIL. OR those you would advise others of us to consider. Would you?

I’ll collect and post them and they’ll serve as more opportunities to enrich our lives.

When Her Questions Feel Like the Inquisition

It was the Summer of 2014 and we sat together on the back deck of a large house overlooking a beautiful lake. Sally had married in 1980 and her MIL had passed away a few years ago. Being on the MIL side of things these days, I was initially surprised to hear that as a young DIL, Sally had not welcomed her MIL’s interest. Well, at least not the way it had been expressed.

See if you recognize yourself on either side of this scenario.

“I felt, when we first got married, that she kind of wanted to treat me like a daughter and I didn’t want to be absorbed into this family that I really didn’t know. And the little that I did know, I wasn’t crazy about.”

Hmmm. How many of us MILs have heard ourselves say to our DILs something like “I’m so happy to have you as a daughter!” or “Now, I have a daughter!.” or “I love you like a daughter!” In fact, in a previous post, Fran said that exact thing to her DIL. In each case,the motivation was very likely to welcome the DIL into the family wholeheartedly and express delight in the woman whom our son chose. From personal experience, these best intentions are not always received very well – which is exactly what Sally was talking about. Too close – too quickly.

“My MIL was a very emotional, clingy, manipulative woman” she confessed. When they arrived at her in-law’s home for a visit, her MIL would be in tears, so happy that they were there. Then, she would ask “When are you leaving? Oh, can’t you stay longer? When are we going to see you again?” More tears.

Then, there would be “20 questions”. Sally says that there were times when she felt “emotionally raped” because of all the questions. Her interpretation was that her MIL wanted to be a significant part of their lives. So, she would move closer – figuratively. As a result, she as the DIL would “retreat” a bit, feeling that her personal space had been infringed upon. Which caused the MIL to push in further, asking more and more questions. Which … well, you get it. A vicious cycle. Sally admitted that she hadn’t had, at that point, the skill set to deal with this.

“I’m sure she was just trying to make conversation, but …”

Here’s one example of how it would go: Her MIL would phone and ask to speak to her son.

“He’s out.”
“Well, where is he?”
“At a meeting.”
“What type of meeting is he at? What is he doing at that meeting?”

Her MIL would keep pushing and pushing for more specifics. She wouldn’t accept a general answer. Now, Sally had been raised to answer every question put to her, whether it was appropriate or not. Finally, she would feel cornered and admit that her husband was at a therapy session.

Does the word “boundaries” come to mind as you peak into Sally’s world?

Another scenario:

“What do you want to do?”
“Well, what is there to do?”
“Well, we’ll do anything you want to do.”

They rarely did anything together except have these conversations.

“What do you want for dinner?”
“Well, what are you going to have?”
“Well, we can have anything you want. I can make tuna salad, but you can have anything. You don’t have to have tuna salad.”
“Let’s have tuna salad.”
“We can go out to dinner if you want.”

I can picture a MIL so wanting a good relationship with her DIL that she would try to be very accommodating. And that might appear to some people as fawning or being wishy-washy.

Is it?

This is GinnyLiz thinking aloud: When do accommodations and questions become negative and destructive and barriers to a good MIL/DIL relationship? Where is the handbook on this stuff?

I can see, being a MIL, that some MILs would ask lots of questions thinking “I want to know about you so that we can find things in common so that we can talk. I want to know about your life and where you came from.” And when they confide in their DILs, they might be saying “I want to tell you about me, who I am, where I come from and what occupies my interests.”

Why would DILs not understand this and embrace it?

What’s your take on this? Can you shed any light on this subject?